As if Facebook, MySpace, Hi5, LinkedIn or any of the other myriad of social networking sites out there wasn’t enough, the Internet in all its goodness has now given us a social network dedicated to the more rotund. Fat Secret is an Australian (not American!?) site for those of a more corpulent nature to find out “what diet works”.

The home page has two large (!) friendly buttons to click on: one for those of us interested in sharing stories of dieting success or failure, and one for those who just want to browse the site (in perpetual denial of our own portliness).

Here you will read tales of misery and joy over investments of time and money made in Atkins, South Beach, Fat Smash, Fat Flush, Weight Watchers, Blood Type, Sonoma, LA Weight Loss and others – all famous diets the world over. Share your weekly weigh-in with others fighting the battle of the bulge and motivate or be motivated to lose lose lose!

Community members post their tips for weight-loss and dieting secrets (although if I really had to think about it, spending time on a site like this instead of running around outside might be a contributing factor to the chunky buttedness of it all). The site also features members’ recommended exercise programs and motivation secrets.

At last! A site for all who are not ashamed of their extra cushion (not the one you got from your mother-in-law for Christmas). Don’t be ashamed. You know you want to see what it’s all about…

Next week we feature: social networks for smokers, crack addicts, vegetarians, lentil growers, bird watchers, nude sunbathers, stamp collectors, neo-Romans, philosophers, drunks, those who forget to floss, millionaires, fans of Kenny G, wine farmers, buskers, mimes and jugglers, circus performers, school teachers, those who secretly enjoy “Touched By An Angel” and more!

Stay tuned, fatty.

Thank you Peter Gabriel. You originally brought us a revolution in MTV watchability with your outlandish and advanced for its time music video “Steam” (it won a Grammy for Best Music Video). That was back in the eighties.

Fast forward to today where your love of all things technology continues unabated. You’ve just launched We7.com, a site that lets us download music for free.

But there’s a small catch. When you download music from the site (after registration of course) the MediaGraft engine “grafts” 10 second “highly relevant and pertinent” localised and personalised ads onto the songs. You also give downloaders the ability to choose the type of ads that are attached to songs.

You say it best: “It’s all the fun of sharing – the artist friendly way.”

I wonder what it’s going to sound like:

“Hit me baby one more time”
For all your domination fun adult toys, visit your nearest Master and Slave outlet, Visa and Mastercard welcome.

“It’s a beautiful day…don’t let it get away…”
Check out The Weather Channel for your daily forecast.

“I saw the crescent…you saw the whole of the moon. The whole of the moon…”
Why not take the kids along to the planetarium this weekend for an out of this world experience. Half price for seniors.

“That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spot light, losing my religion…”
The Children of God Gospel Church welcomes all to a special fellowship this Sunday. Bring a friend.

And so on and so forth.

Peter Gabriel, I wish you luck and all that, but I just wonder how it’s going to catch on…

“I’ll be your sledge! Sledge hammer!”
Visit Builder’s Warehouse on Sunday and get 50% off any tool box set. Don’t delay! Stocks are limited.

In an unsurprising countermove to Google’s recent acquisition of DoubleClick for $3,1 billion, Yahoo announced today that it was acquiring the remaining 80% share of RightMedia (the advertising network that it already owns 20% of) for $68 million.

Yahoo hopes to leverage RightMedia’s arch-product, RMX Direct, to attract publishers with more streamlined and efficient advertising pricing than its rivals. The acquisition will see increased liquidity in the existing Exchange marketplace, hopefully growing opportunities for advertisers, publishers and other industry role players. RMX Direct also features the MediaGuard system that prevents ad malware from infecting member computers and installing popups, spyware and unwanted ActiveX installs, based on predefined filtering criteria.

The RMX Direct product was officially launched as a beta product in September 2006. It replaced the previous clunkier version that had been running since April 2005.

Like the assertions made by DoubleClick after the Google acquisition, RightMedia states emphatically in its blog that “the acquisition will in no way afford Yahoo! any unfair advantage in the Exchange.”

Read more at the RightMedia blog.

Stop! Think of a good friend. Do you picture him or her? Now try and remember his or her phone number. I’m sure you remember what number to hold down on your cellphone to get through via speed dial, but their actual number? Nah, you probably have to look it up on your cell phone. And only a few years ago you could recite the land line number of each family member and friend, including their work numbers…

OK, now think about this. Would you be able to spell the word “specialise” correctly. You live in South Africa. Why would you spell it as “specialize”? Where did the “z” come from? Microsoft Word, that’s where. We don’t live in goddamn Kansas, people. We inherited the Queen’s bloody English. That’s an “s” for you and I, and a “z” for our freedom-spreading cousins across the pond. Try typing something in note pad for a change and see how that feels.

Now, let’s see. When did we begin losing all sense of grammar and spelling in emails? Why do we have to type “CU at the meeting, bring notes - I 4got”. What in the hell? Are we just plain lazy? Have we become so backwards that we can’t even take the time to string a sentence together correctly?

What poppycock.

So this brings me to my favourite peeve - the ubiquitous cell phone. You may have the thumbs of an Olympian, capable of SMSing 4000 words per minute, but they aren’t really words are they if they consist of “4get it, I’ll CU in 5, got sum guy cumin at 3 to chk my toilet. leaking agn, lol. WTF?”

Freakin’ hell people, are we losing the plot here?

Yes, we may call it the natural evolution of human society as we move forwards to faster things thanks to the doubling of processing power every half-decade, but really, I believe it would be more apt to call it DEVOLUTION. In the not too distant future we will be wired to our GPSs, too comatose to realize where we are and simply making slight adjustments to the steering wheel as a spritely female voice tells us “Left Turn in 300 metres.” Imagine where we’d be if, Jah forbid, some rampant solar flare takes out all electronic devices. We would be completely incapable of doing our washing, heating up our TV dinners, toasting bread, finding our way to the shops or picking up a phone to ask if the lights are out at your house too?

Madness.

As a technophile I feel half ashamed for this little rant, but just take a look in a full-sized mirror and you’ll see something that no amount of technology has been able to reproduce: a human being. With less than 2% of your brain being adequately utilized, you should be able to wean yourself off MXIT for at least half an hour, surely?

OK, bye 4 now, will c u all l8er. Got to think of something l33t to post next time.

So it seems South Africans have caught on to this cultural tsunami of Web Logging. Bless. We always seem to catch the wave right at the peak, don’t we? Well the good thing is, we can stand on the shoulders of giants and outblog our blogging cousins in Brisbane, Kansas and Blackpool.

A great article about this phenomenon was published in the Mail and Guardian Online by the esteemed Mr Lloyd Gedye of Isolation.tv fame wherein he didst expound on this phenomenon.

Whether you’re the CEO of a multinational or just discovering the joys of online dating, blogging can be your best friend. Thank goodness for sites like Amatomu.com where we can distinguish the good from the really really scary. The top blogs are really entertaining and informative.

A challenge for any writer is to create a read-worthy blog. Blogging should be taken as seriously as writing a book. Don’t just throw your thoughts out there and hope that someone is gonna pick up on your great analogies and philosophies and hail you as Emperor. No, blog well if you’re gonna blog. Or your words will disappear like detritus down the cloaca of gone and forgotten.

Blogging is writing - do it well and people will read and enjoy. Do it badly and people will beat a path to your door so they can burst into your room, unplug your modem and stop your stream of unconsciousness dead in its

My name is Exodus. I am the only surviving member of my family. There are times that it feels as if though they are right here beside me, and other times when it is dark and cold and it feels as if though I will never lose this hollow pit in my belly. Tonight I will try again to escape from the camp. I made my mind up the moment I heard that my sister had been shot in the other camp for dropping a bucket of water. She was the last. I am now free – there is no more left for me to lose in this place, nothing to cling to.

Today I received a beating for looking a guard directly in the eyes. It was a mistake. I was merely squinting away from the sun when my eyes met his. He came at me with a lustful savagery, the butt of his rifle smashing into my ear. I can still hear a high-pitched whining sound, and my blood is beating painfully around the bruise. The high sound reminds me of the singing insects from my village, when I used to lie on my back under a marula tree, the fruit thudding to the ground.

The others are asleep. I listen carefully for the guards’ cruel laughs and gravel-grinding boots. It is quiet and the moon is full. I get up silently and step carefully towards the door of the hut. My knees creak so loudly I fear they will awaken the entire camp. My breathing, I must control my breathing and my heart. If I panic I will be lost. I peer around into the darkness and I see the fence in the distance. My feet are blistered and I wince as I hobble forward. I forget the pain as I focus on the approaching criss-cross pattern of the fence. When I approach it, I lie completely flat in the dust, my heart roaring like thunder. I have not been noticed.

With a sudden movement I grab the bottom of the fence and lift hard. It comes away from the ground and opens up, like welcoming arms. I crawl for my life and I am on the other side, my back scratched and stabbed by the cruel metal. There is no shelter nearby, I must run. The moon cheers me on and I let my body fly. I discard fear and despair and hatred, all the bitterness and horror of the camp behind me. I run until I cannot breathe, and then I fall flat on the ground, gasping at the dusty air and clutching at the rocks. I am a rock. I cannot be seen. I am forgotten and insignificant, like a stray piece of dead grass floating down a river. After a few minutes I spring up like a cat leaping at a bird and race onwards, towards my freedom. Soon my body is shaking and dripping with sweat that smudges the blood on my face, arms, legs, feet.

After some time I look back. There is no sound. No one is pursuing me. I am in the clear. They will only discover me in the morning when they force the labourers back to the mine. Then they will roar with fearsome anger. They will shoot in the air. Their vengeance will be dealt out to the others. They will kill three for me. For every one that escapes, three must die. That is their rule. They are savage bastards and I hope they rot in hell. They are not following me. They are asleep. I am safe.

The sun rises on my new day of freedom. It begins like a whisper, softly the light changes, slowly and carefully, hardly noticeable. The moon has long since disappeared, my gentle guardian during the terrible night. The light gains strength and courage. I see the sun’s blaze on the horizon. Come, my darling, do not be afraid. I will be your lover. I will be good to you. You and I can enjoy the beautiful day together. I will dance in your warmth.

I feel myself shaking with tears. My eyes are crusted with blood. My bloody tears drip from my chin and splash into the red dust. Someday I will see you all again. I miss you so very much. I will never forget a moment we spent together. My prayer rises and is carried off by the fresh morning breeze. A hadeda breaks my reverie. Hurry! Hurry! Its call echoes behind me as I run forward. The sun is on my left. I must keep it there. I am going south.

During the day I must keep out of sight as much as possible. There is a chance that the butchers will guess that I am headed towards Angola. In a small clump of trees I find a hiding place where I can wait out the day. I startle a large snake. It hisses at me with disgust but crawls away into the bushes. A lizard lies sunning itself on a rock. With a stick I manage to crush it and make it my lunch. I have no water. If it rains, I am assured of a good drink. I lie down in the grass, my body out of the sight of the cruel world and I fall asleep.

I dream of torture and screaming and death.

Something is dripping on my face. I open my eyes. It is completely dark and it is starting to rain. Carefully I pull a large leaf towards my mouth and allow the rain to drip into my mouth. My thirst quenched I stand up, stiff and very sore. Where to now, Exodus? Which way is south? There is no moon and no stars. I have to guess. I am horrified at a sudden thought – what if I am walking back towards the camp? I stop, dreading. How stupid! Why didn’t I leave a mark to point the way? I crouch in the shelter of a rocky ledge and wait for the rain to pass. Looking up I see faint stars and there! Miracle! The cross points towards my freedom. I scramble across rocks and bushes. Now I feel every sharp rock and stick poking into my bloody feet. I must carry on.

The road surprises me. I am delighted and afraid at the same time. The road means people, but also means my feet will be spared. I find a walking stick and begin my hurried trudge along the road. Soon I find a happy rhythm and begin to hum a song my mother used to sing. I used to sing it to my boys also. It comforts me and I feel light as a bird. Giggling, I break into a run, and I laugh at the bats flitting past, keeping me company in the moonlight. Are you guys coming with me? I am going to Angola! Angola! Let’s all go to Angola! You guys will love it there. Plenty of fruit to chew on, lots of good-looking lady bats. And fantastic caves to hang in. I hear the caves in Angola are lined with gold, you guys will be living in style. Come on, fly with me to Angola!

The bats laugh at me in crazy bat language. They squeak with delight. Yes Exodus, yes! We will come with you to Angola, where the lady bats are something to behold, and the fruit is ripe and juicy, and every tree branch is covered in gold so that we bats can hang out in style. Yes, for sure, we’ll see you in Angola. We’ll hook up at the fruit market in Luanda and spy out the hotties as they fly past. For sure!

I collapse and the light fades. The darkness carries me away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“It seems as if our man is waking up.”

“Hello, mystery man. Do you speak Portuguese? Falar portugues?”

“Let him rest awhile. He needs it. The doctor said at least another week until he should get up.”

“Lucky guy. I wish I could sleep in for a week. My feet are killing me!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My name is Exodus. I have found a new home in a kind land. The man who found me told the doctor I was probably lying in the road for two days. He brought me to Angola in his big Toyota Land Cruiser. He paid the guards to let me through the border, and left me at the hospital with all my bills paid up front.

He found the diamond in my pocket. Oh, that diamond. It was as big as an acorn. It caught the light and turned it into heaven. Now the man has it, and he is gone. It will bring him misery, this I know for sure.

I am free of it. I am free.

Although this is not a new development for the Internet, those of us mortals who only recently upgraded to a broadband connection and waved a fond farewell to 56k Telkom badness can now enjoy all the vast and joyful richness the World Wide Internet has to offer.

That being said, I am salivating over LastFM - that music site that learns what music you like. I won’t try to get into the deeper explanation, I’ll leave that up to a friend of mine, Lloyd Gedye, extraordinary writer for the Mail & Guardian who has a jolly good review on his blog at http://isolation.tv. And here it is:

http://isolation.tv/archive/2007/03/27/friends-lend-me-your-ears-a-feature-on-lastfm.aspx

Read, learn, enjoy. It’s broadband music for your starving ears.

Believe you me, if ever you wanted to get your teeth stuck into any form of web development, be it CSS, HTML, PHP or Java. the following web page is the BUSINESS. I found it while looking for SEO info on del.icio.us.

http://www.alvit.de/handbook/

Also, read about interesting topics like SEO, WEB 2.0, freelancing, typography et al. As a writer on the web, you’ve got to get your feet ever so slightly wet at least - so jump in to some html and learn a thing or two.

In my travels I often come across many interesting things, and it is these interesting things that make for good writing. You can’t write well about things that bore you. People won’t enjoy reading it if you don’t enjoy writing it.

So I wanted to find out something I’ve been wondering about. As a fresh-out-the-box freelance writer you get your office set up, sparkly new lap top, website portfolio, phone and fax line and perhaps even business cards printed, all a-quiver with excitement at getting started. The question is: how do you get that first magical contact that will open up all future doors for you?

Here’s some of the advice proffered by “those who have gone before us”. It may be standing on the shoulders of giants or midgets, but hopefully there’s something to learn here:
http://www.fabfreelancewriting.com/blog/2007/01/06/you-are-your-own-first-copywriting-client/

“You Are Your Own First Copywriting Client. Start advertising and promoting your writing business, and you’ll get customers for your writing. Your customers can be editors who buy your articles or books, or businesses who need to communicate - your customers are those who need your writing products and writing skills.”

http://www.gyford.com/phil/writing/2006/10/26/a_beginners_guid.php#h-marketing

“I hate the very idea of marketing but as a freelancer you can’t avoid the fact that you must sell yourself to get work. The first thing to do is to tell everyone you know that you’re available for work (and what it is you can do). Email, phone, IM or just talk to them and let them know. Don’t assume people will hear about it if you don’t tell them directly (not everyone reads your blog).”

http://www.cameronmoll.com/archives/000643.html

“Don’t leap without solid footing. Some of you have sent emails in recent months, most of which began like this: “I’ve been thinking about going solo…” If I didn’t say it in my response to you, I’ll say it here: Don’t make the leap until you’ve got the necessary experience and exposure to make it all happen. I said earlier that my leap was one of faith, and though it was, I was also quite confident the timing was right. I had the necessary experience (portfolio, client roll, variety of projects) and exposure (Google search, incoming links, readership) to leave the ground with solid footing, as ironic as that sounds. Had I made the leap a year earlier, I imagine I’d be back at a day job by now. So leap when you’re confident you’ll land smoothly.”

Some fantastic advice I heard today from a fellow freelancer (who will remain nameless to protect his rock star identity *oops*) was this:

“MAKE SURE YOU GET A DEPOSIT BEFORE YOU BEGIN WORKING FOR A CLIENT.”

We love to write or design, but as freelancers we need to eat, and clients who take advantage of you need to be fired immediately. So choose your first clients wisely and set the benchmark as high as possible, so that people know the type of person you are. Afrikaans has a great expression: moenie kak vat nie. This sums it up nicely.

If you have any further advice you’d like to share about those first clients, please feel free to email me on tony@hotcopy.co.za or comment on this blog.